Why I was happy to see Gatsby again

Why I was happy to see Gatsby again

            I know it was my decisions to leave him but I did regret that every so often. I loved Gatsby so much. And he loved me too, more than I think anyone has ever loved anyone before. He loved me so unconditionally and beautifully. We were the perfect love story until Tom showed up. I don’t always regret my decision to marry Tom. He was the one who could sustain me finically and provide me with luxuries and palpable reassurance that he loved me even though his actions occasionally proved otherwise.

I do feel a pang o regret and sadness when I think of the fact that I’m not with Jay. I have an unhealthy addiction to wealth and reassurance that I’m loved and at the time, Tom could provide me with both while Jay provided me with neither.

When I saw him again, all of these old feelings came flooding back. We had the best time and I couldn’t help but wish I felt that that my entire life instead of only for one night. Jay always understood me better than anyone had ever understood me, he understood me better than I understood myself at times. But I had already made my decision to be with Tom.

At first our encounter was awkward, it soon felt like old times, laughing and talking and simply enjoying one another. I was very happy to see him again. I was trying not to feel too much in fear that I would begin to hate myself for not waiting.

I’m happy I got to see him again. I missed him and every so often I do wish we ended up together. I know he still cares for me which makes me feel a twinge of guilt. I don’t know if marrying Tom was the right or wrong decision. But sometimes I think that if I even have to question whether or not I love someone more than my own husband, is my love for Tom really valid?

Why I chose Tom

Why I chose Tom

            Sometimes I ask myself the same question. But Tom could sustain me unlike Gatsby ever could.   Sure he is wealthy now, but Tom always loved a life of luxury. I do love Gatsby and I always will but I love Tom now.

            I loved Gatsby but I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed love, protection, and the comfort of knowing I was constantly sustained. I needed to know that someone loved me. I couldn’t just rely on sheer hope.

            Sometimes I do wish I waited for Gatsby. Our love is eternal and my feelings for him never fully went away. Had he never hone off to war, I probably would have stayed with him. But he did leave and Tom was there. I will always have a very special place in my heart for Gatsby forever. He was the one true, undying love I had in my life. And he was always faithful to me. I do occasionally feel guilty I couldn’t have done the same for him and just waited.

            Tom and I have our issues of course and sometimes I do wish he was Jay. I mean, I spent my wedding night completely drunk out of my mind wishing it was Gatsby I was marrying.

I miss him all of the time. I miss the way he loved me unconditionally unlike Tom. Jay accepted me for who I was and I wish I was stronger so I could have waited for him, but I simply couldn’t 

What I was feeling when I heard Gatsby was dead

What I was feeling when I heard Gatsby was dead

I couldn’t move or breathe. Time had stopped and my entire world had come to a painful halt. I sat in denial hoping this was all a terrible night mare I’d soon wake up from. I hated myself for not waiting for him now even more than ever. But this wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part is why he was shot. It was because of me. I was driving the car that night and I accidental killed Myrtle and now Jay is dead. He’s dead and it’s all because of me. I was even the one who made him get blamed for it. I couldn’t bare to stay where I was any longer. I couldn’t look across the dock anymore without feeling guilty.

I decided along with Tom that moving away would be the best idea. We moved far away into the mountains without even attending Gatsby’s funeral. I was a horrible, horrible person. Nick probably hated me as well thinking I was selfish. He wouldn’t be entirely wrong. I just couldn’t bare it. I’ve avoided things and hid behind money my entire life. That’s why I never ended my marriage with Tom or confronted my obvious feeling for Gatsby, because I’m one to avoid. I have made some awful mistakes and hated myself for someone awful things but I have never felt a pain and regret so strong. 

What I was feeling when I saw Gatsby again

What I was feeling when I saw Gatsby again

            Fear, regret, relief, remorse, comfort, love. It all came rushing back in an instant. I’d like to pretend that old feelings weren’t resurfacing but there was absolutely no denying it. I love Tom but I was in love with Gatsby. I’ve never felt that kind of spark before or since.

I spent of few minutes of my time realizing how painfully awkward this was going to be. He seemed incredibly nervous. One of the first things he did was accidentally knock over Nick’s clock. I was worried that when he saw me he would resent me for not waiting for him. But after what seemed like only a few fleeting moments, we were both talking and laughing just like the old times. He invited me over to his place and I was so taken aback by his new lifestyle. It was so glamorous. I also couldn’t stop myself from getting emotional when I saw his collection of English shirts. The entire night was pretty emotional to say the least. He even called down someone named Klipspringer to play piano. He played “Ain’t Wee Got Fun?” and I was having the best time.

I feel bad when I say that I forgot Nick was there most of the time. I was just so overwhelmed to see Jay again. I’d forgotten about everyone in that moment, even Tom. I do miss the days Jay and I were together. But I made all efforts to try to push those feelings further and further down. But of course I still love Tom and he’s my husband and I need to be with him. But seeing Gatsby in his new wealthy lifestyle does kind of make me wish I had waited for him. Sometimes I do question whether or not I made the right decision. That was just about all I could think about the entire time I was with him.

                

What I was thinking when I promised I’d wait for Gatsby

What I was thinking when I promised I’d wait for Gatsby

          I was thinking that I loved him. Which I did. I loved him so deeply and beautifully I thought it could be preserved forever. However, I couldn’t stand the idea of not having someone tangibly loving me at all times so I decided to marry Tom.

I was thinking that Gatsby loved me too and how much he wanted me to wait for him. I knew he loved me too. I loved the thought of how much our relationship could grow without seeing each other for a long period of time. But it also scared me how much it quickly it could fade away.  I wanted to know that my partner was there loving me all of the time. Also Tom lived life of luxury which unfortunately attracts me very easily.
          I was thinking that I could handle being away from him, which I obviously couldn’t. I needed someone to fill that empty void. I knew I couldn’t wait long enough for him so Tom was the obvious choice at the time.

Maybe I wasn’t thinking at all actually. I should have known I couldn’t wait and that I needed someone there for me. I still do feel guilty for giving him hope that we could be together. 

What I was thinking when I married Tom

What I was thinking when I married Tom

          I was thinking that I wanted something immediately. I loved Jay more than words could ever describe, but he had to leave. I sometimes I wondering whether or not I should have waited though.  The night of your wedding is supposed to be fun and celebratory. On my wedding night I drank myself into oblivion to try and help ignore the fact that the man I married was in fact not Jay Gatsby. Jay however, couldn’t support me financially and he had to leave. I needed something more than a promise and that’s all Jay could give me at the time. Sometimes I try to avoid any thought of Jay in fear that I will hate myself for not waiting for him.

I ask myself a lot what I was thinking when I married Tom. I keep looking for a complicated, deep, reasonable, justifiable conclusion aside from the fact that he was wealthy. However, whenever I do dare e to ask myself what I was thinking when I married Tom, I end up coming to one very simple answer. I was thinking that he wasn’t Jay Gatsby.